frustration

so, it’s hard enough for me to decide if i like you,
if i’m ready to give you a chance,
ready for a relationship,
when i’m happy [enough, i suppose] being single,
because honestly, the thought of this all
scares me!

because i am scared of people’s flaws
and their imperfections,
and i’m scared of getting myself into something i can’t fully support

but when i see other people,
other people’s flaws and imperfections,
and flawed and imperfect people giving them a chance,
not only a chance but loving wholeheartedly,
i wonder what is so wrong with me
why i can’t find that in myself.

but maybe i just have had bad experiences in the past
and unfortunately i can’t see anything other than that
but yet i know it must exist because i see it all around me

and i know you’d do anything for me
and that also scares me
does that make sense?
i will be so sorry if i can’t do the same for you

it’s the little things:
getting me my papers so i don’t have to get up
writing back the little notes because you don’t have your phone
also the big things:
sneaking out to play in the rain
because i was there

but it’s awful that you HAVE to sneak out
you know?
everyone knows.

it makes things even harder for me
is it worth it to go through all this trouble
what can possibly come out of it
how will i even know?

i can’t!

~ by cathy on May 1, 2009.