i have decided i like being a single lady
i really do.
| M | T | W | T | F | S | S |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| « Jan | ||||||
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
| 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |
| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 |
| 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |
its going.
so, things are pretty alright.
i know that this person likes me.
we went ice skating the other day and held hands.
but, of course something has to be wrong.
with the boys that i’ve “been with” recently,
something was always lacking:
the physical attraction
and sometimes i would be embarrassed
to be seen with them
with this, the physical attraction is there
he’s definitely a cutie
but, as of now, i feel like the emotional connection is lacking
i feel like i don’t know him & he doesn’t know me
and it feels like this whole thing is simply superficial
so, can i find the balance? or can i only have one or the other?
cause if so, that sucks.
i might give this a try and see where it goes.
bracelets
i am single-handedly making string bracelets
for the whole senior class
i didn’t even realize it.
well, i have made four.
i guess that’s not all of them
but i’d say i’m well on my way :-/
———————————-
oh oh and guess what?
he texted me! sunday night, for about 3 hours
and yesterday, i waited all day for him to text me
but he didn’t
so finally i did.
and then he said he was just about to text me
and then we kept texting, for about 7 hours!
and he said he’d text me today
AND HE JUST DID
as i sit here and write this
soo, i gotta go!
i’m gonna be busy :-)
i wonder?
i am talking to someone on facebook chat
brandon says this is the next step.
sports, sports, i don’t mind !
now, if i could just casually throw my number out there…
:-)
————-
UPDATEEE:
the ball is in his court now.
it’s his move…
christmas break!
wow! a lot has happened.
school has been hard this year, but somehow i pulled off 4 A’s [Band, Debate, Spanish III, ALAC]
and 3 A-’s [Trig&Pre-Calc, APUSH, Chemistry]
i feel like a million bucks! i’m halfway done!
i have lost some friends this year
well for the most part, one
but it was the big one – my best friend
class difficulties start to separate out
it just hasn’t worked too well for us
but on the bright side, i fell in love with a new best friend! :-)
someone who was there all along before,
but i never realized how great she is!
i turned 17 on monday, and i got a new camera! hooray!
umm, the love life is still lacking
(what a lovely alliteration)
well, i guess you could say it was something for a while
a long while, actually
but i just couldn’t do it anymore
NOW, someone who i let go of has come around
but they are acknowledging the fact that they have someone else
i know if it’s meant to be, it will be,
but i don’t want this right now.
but i think i decided i have a teeeeny crush on someone???
gahh i hope so. this would be nice if it worked out for some reason??
:-) they seem like a really nice person. and they’re a cutie.
big time!
but would this even be right?
because the friend i lost, well,
(she liked this person, big time)
so, would this be okay?
we don’t talk anymore, but what is the protocol here?
ay ay ay. let’s worry about it if it ever happens
[i hope so]
that’s all for now!!
its almost time
not a lot going on
the other night my car got egged, hooray
wish i knew who did it
i hope it was random,
i don’t like thinking that someone dislikes me enough
to do that to my car
babysat for 8 hours yesterday and only got 30 dollars out of it
that was crap in my opinion
babysitting different kids tonight
i’ll probably get 30 dollars for 5 hours from them.
school starts monday, WOW
< (two weeks)
umm… school starts VERY SOON
got my schedule the other day,
pretttty happy with it.
EXCEPT FOR PRE-AP CHEM which i will be quite unfortunately having with my sister.
first block. uhhhghghg
band has been going alright, i like being a section leader
things at home have been a bit stressful with construction and whatnot
and the van getting wrecked into yesterday
so no more south dakota :C
last night at freshman registration i sat with coach straub at the boys soccer table
that was a lot of fun, i was glad he wasn’t mad at me.
me and becky and carrie have to make dinner tonight
and then its the season finale of so you think you can dance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i’m ready now
oh, things have changed.
i dumped both of you,
whether you wanted me to or not
but i wanted to.
good bye to both, hopefully for a long time.
i find myself leaning towards someone
i can have
but don’t know if i’m ready for yet
but i am willing.
i was at camp for four days at K-State
really liked it there
got closer to a few girls i didn’t know so well!
came home
went to see harry potter at 11:30 with my family
(after purchasing a fedora)
i found one of the previews quite disturbing
for “2012″
i don’t want to consider that ever happening
i have too much life left to live.
but it made me think about someone even more
don’t hold back.
just in case.
next week i will go to kendra’s grandma’s with her
for about 5 days. should be a blast!
then, back.
then, band camp the next week
and the next
(and the next week will probably be
furiously working on the american lit & comp assignment
i have unfortunately ignored all summer)
then. SCHOOL?
already??
this year should be really good though.
i am somewhat curious about how band camp will go
i feel like i learned a lot at K-State that i’d love to apply
but will SOMEONE let me?
or will he just be his blehhhh self.
ugh he really makes me angry
i have some things i’d like to know
but i’m not going to ask
that is crucial.
———
I was a little girl alone in my little world
who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees,
and fed my houseguests bark and leaves,
and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.
Long walks in the dark
through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I’m supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.
Now I’m old and feeling grey.
I don’t know what’s left to say
about this life I’m willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well,
there’s many tales I’ve lived to tell.
I’m ready now, I’m ready now,
I’m ready now to fly from the highest wing.
I had a dream
dear,
dear you,
today was painful, to see the least.
when i got to a+, you weren’t there.
you hadn’t signed in on the visitor’s sheet.
it was 10:23.
did you sleep in again?
but you were there for lunch at 11.
oh lala let me make in depth conversation with cheyanne
let us talk about everything and anything
you’re here?
like i’d notice.
standing at the bathroom with the endless line
of kids.
you herd one over towards me
and by then its painfully obvious that you are there
and exactly what i’m doing.
if you were anyone else
my eyes would not be downcast
cheeks burning
finally lunch ends.
its raining.
all the kindergarteners go in your class to watch
rainbow fish.
i sit on the floor with crying aurora
and she settles up close to me
i occupy myself with her.
you aren’t in there.
with every open of the door,
i quickly look up, then back.
i finally decide to just look at shoes.
that’s easier.
and on the first try it pays off
i see your socks and sandals entering
and quickly look away. again.
you don’t sit on the floor with kids
you make your way over to a chair.
pull out your phone.
text.
i nonchalantly pull out my phone
set it on the floor in front of me
in anticipation
anticipation that was in vain.
i steal a glance.
you sit, head in hands
in your chair.
trying to sleep?
time to go back to our classes,
although nap time is going to be cut short.
as always i sit at the teacher’s desk
read the notebook
12:33 passes.
you don’t text me.
you always text me at that time.
(although you probably haven’t realized it)
but you text me at 12:35.
it surprises me, honestly.
it’s just a “hey, how are you doing”
but its a start.
“fine.”
“that’s good”
“sure”
“so i think i made a mistake with you”
my heart leaps into my throat
pounding pounding
cautiously,
“what do you mean”
convey no emotion.
“i mean i can’t get you out of my head.
and seeing you today didn’t help”
(of course, i was trying to make you feel like hell.
guess it worked)
the notebook lays abandoned now.
“i can’t get you out of my head either.”
now, i’m a little embarrassed about that one.
but, indifference would most likely not change anything.
take a leap. go out on a limb.
say something that will count,
one way or another.
((at this point i begin frantically texting
kelsey and kendra.
they’ve been a part of this every step of the way.
i love them!
saying all the right things.
did you know that kelsey is at ott on
mondays, wednesdays, and fridays?
so you will be seeing a lot of her.
but did you know she is one of my best friends?
nope. maybe you will someday.))
“i’m sorry, i don’t know what
i’m going to do.
i really like you a lot
but on the other hand i still
really like my girlfriend.
idk what to do”
should i even be putting up with this?
now you have got to choose.
that’s not cool.
i should be running the other way.
but i’m not…
and you asked to hang out.
“won’t your girlfriend be mad?”
“no, she said its cool.”
kelsey: “i would be mad if ray asked me that!”
hmmm..
but then about 2 minutes before i am going to leave
you threw up. supposedly.
i guess i believe you.
if you feel what i’ve been feeling the past few days,
it’s probably understandable.
(however, i am glad that you are
feeling quite shitty after all of this)
you can’t be happy with her
because you’re thinking about me.
but, if you ‘choose’ me,
will you be unhappy
because you’re thinking about her?
well, i think you should at least
break up with her while you figure this all out.
your biggest mistake was
starting it back up with her the other night.
although you probably didn’t expect this much regret.
anyway, i’m feeling a lot better
a lot more hopeful
as kelsey said
“i can’t sit around and wait forever”
so
i hope you come to a conclusion fairly soon.
sincerely,
cathy
boy of confusion
(6/5)
hi, there’s now another someone else
(i think i can’t make up my mind)
but i think you can’t either!!
this was completely out of the blue
blossoming from
“you looked very beautiful today btw”
to
“you should text me”
to
“i’m not gonna lie i do like you”
wait. dont you have a girlfriend??
he said no.
oh.
anyway, i’ve seen him at A+ lately,
he is cute, but i never actually bothered with liking him
cause, it seemed pointless
but yesterday you became very confusing.
you barely texted me at all, but when you did
it was to tell me that you couldn’t do anything
on saturday
today you asked me to hang out tonight
and now you say you’re really pissed about some stuff
and don’t know if you’ll be up to it.
come onnnn…
and now i just asked you why it says on facebook that you still
have a girlfriend. that’s like dating a married man kinda??
lol not gonna go there.
———————————-
(6/8)
so. that night was great.
i really thought it was going somewhere.
i think you did too.
on saturday you even changed your facebook.
but on sunday morning you changed it back.
and i finally asked you why
“cause me and my girlfriend got back together.
i was getting ready to tell you.
sorry Cathy”
“i’m sorry, i didn’t think we would
but then we talked last night and well
now we’re together. i’m really sorry Cathy”
“i’m so sorry Cathy. i really do like you.
don’t think i didn’t cause i did and still do.
i never wanted to hurt you”
“i’m so so so so so sorry Cathy”
me: “good thing you weren’t on the rebound or anything”
“were you being sarcastic? cause that’s not cool.
i’m not trying to be an ass about this.
i said i was sorry, i never ever meant to hurt you”
———————————
gosh!!! there is NOBODY decent left!
except then someone who did
the exact same thing to me about 7 months ago
texts me…
“cathy?”
“yeah”
“i’m sorry for playing you on all those times”
a week ago, i would have been jumping for joy
but now i just feel… blank.
and just a few minutes ago someone who moderately
ripped out my heart last night texts me again.
“you still mad at me?”
“well once more i’m so sorry i hurt you.
i really do feel horrible i did this to you.
you didn’t deserve it”
“why are you sorry?
you did nothing wrong but be amazing!
i’m sorry i did this to you”
WELL! you seem awful sorry!
(its not too late to undo the damage)
why do things that we are going to be
SO sorry for??
ugh. i just thought you were different
you really have no clue how many times this
situation, exactly or a variation,
has happened to me
“but hey you never know
what will happen in the future”
yes i do. more people will screw me over.
oh you’re talking about what could happen
in the future with you?
well first of all, that sounds oh so optimistic
that you and your old girlfriend that you dumped me for,
will have a long and happy future together.
so why did you even go back if that’s your outlook?
second, i seem to have a good idea of what would happen
you’d lie to me again!
“why wouldn’t we work out?”
“don’t you have a girlfriend?”
“no…”
———–
“are you sure you’re not on the rebound or anything?”
“of course not, i don’t do that to girls!”
———–
“you have a girlfriend!”
“no i don’t we went over this. i don’t have one, not yet :)”
———–
lies!! what else can i expect from you?
well i bet A+ will be oodles of fun tomorrow.
