not a lot going on
the other night my car got egged, hooray
wish i knew who did it
i hope it was random,
i don’t like thinking that someone dislikes me enough
to do that to my car
babysat for 8 hours yesterday and only got 30 dollars out of it
that was crap in my opinion
babysitting different kids tonight
i’ll probably get 30 dollars for 5 hours from them.
school starts monday, WOW
umm… school starts VERY SOON
got my schedule the other day,
pretttty happy with it.
EXCEPT FOR PRE-AP CHEM which i will be quite unfortunately having with my sister.
irst block. uhhhghghg
band has been going alright, i like being a section leader
things at home have been a bit stressful with construction and whatnot
and the van getting wrecked into yesterday
so no more south dakota :C
last night at freshman registration i sat with coach straub at the boys soccer table
that was a lot of fun, i was glad he wasn’t mad at me.
me and becky and carrie have to make dinner tonight
and then its the season finale of so you think you can dance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh, things have changed.
i dumped both of you,
whether you wanted me to or not
but i wanted to.
good bye to both, hopefully for a long time.
i find myself leaning towards someone
i can have
but don’t know if i’m ready for yet
but i am willing.
i was at camp for four days at K-State
really liked it there
got closer to a few girls i didn’t know so well!
came home
went to see harry potter at 11:30 with my family
(after purchasing a fedora)
i found one of the previews quite disturbing
for “2012″
i don’t want to consider that ever happening
i have too much life left to live.
but it made me think about someone even more
don’t hold back.
just in case.
next week i will go to kendra’s grandma’s with her
for about 5 days. should be a blast!
then, back.
then, band camp the next week
and the next
(and the next week will probably be
furiously working on the american lit & comp assignment
i have unfortunately ignored all summer)
then. SCHOOL?
already??
this year should be really good though.
i am somewhat curious about how band camp will go
i feel like i learned a lot at K-State that i’d love to apply
but will SOMEONE let me?
or will he just be his blehhhh self.
ugh he really makes me angry
i have some things i’d like to know
but i’m not going to ask
that is crucial.
———
I was a little girl alone in my little world
who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees,
and fed my houseguests bark and leaves,
and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.
Long walks in the dark
through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I’m supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.
Now I’m old and feeling grey.
I don’t know what’s left to say
about this life I’m willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well,
there’s many tales I’ve lived to tell.
I’m ready now, I’m ready now,
I’m ready now to fly from the highest wing.
I had a dream
dear you,
today was painful, to see the least.
when i got to a+, you weren’t there.
you hadn’t signed in on the visitor’s sheet.
it was 10:23.
did you sleep in again?
but you were there for lunch at 11.
oh lala let me make in depth conversation with cheyanne
let us talk about everything and anything
you’re here?
like i’d notice.
standing at the bathroom with the endless line
of kids.
you herd one over towards me
and by then its painfully obvious that you are there
and exactly what i’m doing.
if you were anyone else
my eyes would not be downcast
cheeks burning
finally lunch ends.
its raining.
all the kindergarteners go in your class to watch
rainbow fish.
i sit on the floor with crying aurora
and she settles up close to me
i occupy myself with her.
you aren’t in there.
with every open of the door,
i quickly look up, then back.
i finally decide to just look at shoes.
that’s easier.
and on the first try it pays off
i see your socks and sandals entering
and quickly look away. again.
you don’t sit on the floor with kids
you make your way over to a chair.
pull out your phone.
text.
i nonchalantly pull out my phone
set it on the floor in front of me
in anticipation
anticipation that was in vain.
i steal a glance.
you sit, head in hands
in your chair.
trying to sleep?
time to go back to our classes,
although nap time is going to be cut short.
as always i sit at the teacher’s desk
read the notebook
12:33 passes.
you don’t text me.
you always text me at that time.
(although you probably haven’t realized it)
but you text me at 12:35.
it surprises me, honestly.
it’s just a “hey, how are you doing”
but its a start.
“fine.”
“that’s good”
“sure”
“so i think i made a mistake with you”
my heart leaps into my throat
pounding pounding
cautiously,
“what do you mean”
convey no emotion.
“i mean i can’t get you out of my head.
and seeing you today didn’t help”
(of course, i was trying to make you feel like hell.
guess it worked)
the notebook lays abandoned now.
“i can’t get you out of my head either.”
now, i’m a little embarrassed about that one.
but, indifference would most likely not change anything.
take a leap. go out on a limb.
say something that will count,
one way or another.
((at this point i begin frantically texting
kelsey and kendra.
they’ve been a part of this every step of the way.
i love them!
saying all the right things.
did you know that kelsey is at ott on
mondays, wednesdays, and fridays?
so you will be seeing a lot of her.
but did you know she is one of my best friends?
nope. maybe you will someday.))
“i’m sorry, i don’t know what
i’m going to do.
i really like you a lot
but on the other hand i still
really like my girlfriend.
idk what to do”
should i even be putting up with this?
now you have got to choose.
that’s not cool.
i should be running the other way.
but i’m not…
and you asked to hang out.
“won’t your girlfriend be mad?”
“no, she said its cool.”
kelsey: “i would be mad if ray asked me that!”
hmmm..
but then about 2 minutes before i am going to leave
you threw up. supposedly.
i guess i believe you.
if you feel what i’ve been feeling the past few days,
it’s probably understandable.
(however, i am glad that you are
feeling quite shitty after all of this)
you can’t be happy with her
because you’re thinking about me.
but, if you ‘choose’ me,
will you be unhappy
because you’re thinking about her?
well, i think you should at least
break up with her while you figure this all out.
your biggest mistake was
starting it back up with her the other night.
although you probably didn’t expect this much regret.
anyway, i’m feeling a lot better
a lot more hopeful
as kelsey said
“i can’t sit around and wait forever”
so
i hope you come to a conclusion fairly soon.
sincerely,
cathy
(6/5)
hi, there’s now another someone else
(i think i can’t make up my mind)
but i think you can’t either!!
this was completely out of the blue
blossoming from
“you looked very beautiful today btw”
to
“you should text me”
to
“i’m not gonna lie i do like you”
wait. dont you have a girlfriend??
he said no.
oh.
anyway, i’ve seen him at A+ lately,
he is cute, but i never actually bothered with liking him
cause, it seemed pointless
but yesterday you became very confusing.
you barely texted me at all, but when you did
it was to tell me that you couldn’t do anything
on saturday
today you asked me to hang out tonight
and now you say you’re really pissed about some stuff
and don’t know if you’ll be up to it.
come onnnn…
and now i just asked you why it says on facebook that you still
have a girlfriend. that’s like dating a married man kinda??
lol not gonna go there.
———————————-
(6/8)
so. that night was great.
i really thought it was going somewhere.
i think you did too.
on saturday you even changed your facebook.
but on sunday morning you changed it back.
and i finally asked you why
“cause me and my girlfriend got back together.
i was getting ready to tell you.
sorry Cathy”
“i’m sorry, i didn’t think we would
but then we talked last night and well
now we’re together. i’m really sorry Cathy”
“i’m so sorry Cathy. i really do like you.
don’t think i didn’t cause i did and still do.
i never wanted to hurt you”
“i’m so so so so so sorry Cathy”
me: “good thing you weren’t on the rebound or anything”
“were you being sarcastic? cause that’s not cool.
i’m not trying to be an ass about this.
i said i was sorry, i never ever meant to hurt you”
———————————
gosh!!! there is NOBODY decent left!
except then someone who did
the exact same thing to me about 7 months ago
texts me…
“cathy?”
“yeah”
“i’m sorry for playing you on all those times”
a week ago, i would have been jumping for joy
but now i just feel… blank.
and just a few minutes ago someone who moderately
ripped out my heart last night texts me again.
“you still mad at me?”
“well once more i’m so sorry i hurt you.
i really do feel horrible i did this to you.
you didn’t deserve it”
“why are you sorry?
you did nothing wrong but be amazing!
i’m sorry i did this to you”
WELL! you seem awful sorry!
(its not too late to undo the damage)
why do things that we are going to be
SO sorry for??
ugh. i just thought you were different
you really have no clue how many times this
situation, exactly or a variation,
has happened to me
“but hey you never know
what will happen in the future”
yes i do. more people will screw me over.
oh you’re talking about what could happen
in the future with you?
well first of all, that sounds oh so optimistic
that you and your old girlfriend that you dumped me for,
will have a long and happy future together.
so why did you even go back if that’s your outlook?
second, i seem to have a good idea of what would happen
you’d lie to me again!
“why wouldn’t we work out?”
“don’t you have a girlfriend?”
“no…”
———–
“are you sure you’re not on the rebound or anything?”
“of course not, i don’t do that to girls!”
———–
“you have a girlfriend!”
“no i don’t we went over this. i don’t have one, not yet :)”
———–
lies!! what else can i expect from you?
well i bet A+ will be oodles of fun tomorrow.
i’ve given up on you, for one
i haven’t even thought about you that much lately!
but now there’s someone else…
although that’s probably pointless as well
because things have started there before
but never go anywhere!
and i was accidentally rude to you last night
well i was kidding but i don’t know if you were really mad
or not
so, with that out of the way.
my summer has been eventful.
technically, i’d say my summer started saturday, may 23.
day after finals.
that sunday, i went to topeka with my family.
monday, we went fishing. and saw night at the museum 2.
and watched jon & kate plus 8 (more on that later)
tuesday was school… but no one was there. mentally at least.
wednesday was the last day. kinda sad but kinda not, lol
thursday…well i can’t really remember doing anything at all.
friday i had laser tag with the soccer team,
and mini golf with someone i hadn’t talked to much lately
i realized that i miss that
saturday was the dentist, yuck
and a haircut. that i’m getting accustomed to.
sunday, my mom said if i didn’t get out of the house by 1:30,
she was putting me to work.
so me and zac D smith* played tennis at mill creek
with my little sister.
*last night someone asked me who that was. “boyfriend?”
“oh no no no…”
today was.. summer school.
at truman, that kinda sucks. oh well.
i’m not driving there, heck no that’s too much gas wasted.
i’m parking at chrisman and taking the bus from there.
and tomorrow i’m going to do A+ at ott until about 1 i think.
anyway… jon & kate plus 8 is on again tonight.
let me just say that last monday almost made me want to cry!
and let me admit that i’ve spent a lot of time online,
searching for new articles in the tabloids that may or may not be reliable.
some people say it’s a scam, that it’s just made up
some people say that it’s not as bad as it looks
some people say they are definitely headed for divorce, or
“oh, kate is such a bitch!” or
“oh, jon is such a lying conniving cheating ho!”
i say that whatever is going on, i wish them the best
and hope everything works out,
especially for the kids.
cause those kids are so freakin cute.
(except for mady sometimes, lol)
and right now i smell peanut butter
and i just turned around to tell carrie she isn’t supposed
to eat in here,
but she’s actually just eating peanut butter on a spoon
so what can i say about that?
yesterday i finished reading “about a boy”
for american lit & comp next year.
it was pretty interesting actually.
and it was in regular english, aka it wasn’t impossible to understand
at all.
i am on facebook at the moment and i just saw oreos on the side,
cause apparently i have 6 friends that are acclaimed fans.
lisa crawford
maryanne hamburg
jeremy mullen
james sooialo
jeff ulberg
christian waage
now i really want oreos, so thanks guys.
or i want those brownies in the cabinet.
well i guess i’d have to make them.
why are you texting me so much kelvin?
you have been so random lately!
and sorry for sending you a smiley face,
didn’t know i’d get freakin 20 questions about it lol
yawwwn i am so tired and my neck is stiff
that’s all for now.
so, it’s hard enough for me to decide if i like you,
if i’m ready to give you a chance,
ready for a relationship,
when i’m happy [enough, i suppose] being single,
because honestly, the thought of this all
scares me!
because i am scared of people’s flaws
and their imperfections,
and i’m scared of getting myself into something i can’t fully support
but when i see other people,
other people’s flaws and imperfections,
and flawed and imperfect people giving them a chance,
not only a chance but loving wholeheartedly,
i wonder what is so wrong with me
why i can’t find that in myself.
but maybe i just have had bad experiences in the past
and unfortunately i can’t see anything other than that
but yet i know it must exist because i see it all around me
and i know you’d do anything for me
and that also scares me
does that make sense?
i will be so sorry if i can’t do the same for you
it’s the little things:
getting me my papers so i don’t have to get up
writing back the little notes because you don’t have your phone
also the big things:
sneaking out to play in the rain
because i was there
but it’s awful that you HAVE to sneak out
you know?
everyone knows.
it makes things even harder for me
is it worth it to go through all this trouble
what can possibly come out of it
how will i even know?
i can’t!
i’m five years old it’s getting cold i’ve got my big coat on
i hear your laugh and look up smiling at you i run and run
past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides look now the sky is gold
i hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home
i don’t know why all the trees change in the fall
i know you’re not scared of anything at all
don’t know if snow white’s house is near or far away
but i know i had the best day with you today
i’m thirteen now and don’t know how my friends could be so mean
i come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
and we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
and we talk and window shop till i forgot all their names
i don’t know who i’m gonna talk to now at school
but i know i’m laughing on the car ride home with you
don’t know how long it’s gonna take to feel ok
but i know i had the best day with you today
i have an excellent father
his strength is making me stronger
god smiles on my little brother
inside and out he’s better than i am
i grew up in a pretty house and i had space to run
and i had the best days with you
there is a video i found from back when i was three
you set up a paint set in the kitchen and you’re talking to me
it’s the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
daddy’s smart and you’re the prettiest lady in the whole wide world
now i know why all the trees change in the fall
i know you were on my side even when i was wrong
and i love you for giving me your eyes
staying back and watching me shine and i didn’t know if you knew
so i’m taking this chance to say that i had the best day with you today
am i starting to like you??
i hope so!!
but you! you!
your mom!
you aren’t allowed to do ANYTHING
so even if things were to start working,
would it even be worth it?
yes, the title of this IS my current facebook status.
and it’s also true!
boys boys boys. who understands them
one
you love love love drama, i’m pretty sure
otherwise you wouldn’t be acting so much like you have OVARIES
my bad, sorry you have personal issues
hope you get those worked out
until then
stay away from me
two
you can’t decide
what you want
“come to my house” you said
“things will be much better this time
we can handle it
we’re much more mature”
“i don’t want things to go back to
the way they were last year
that’s where we’re headed”
you say
huhh???? whatt???
what the eff.
fine. i guess you don’t wanna talk anymore ):
three
i don’t know what to say about you
you seem real and
completely fake
but not intentionally
i don’t think it’s your fault that
you’re not allowed to have a life
four
where did you even come from?
pretty sure things were done between us
so what’s up with the massages?
not that i’m complaining
five
let’s do something let’s do something
ummmm, okayyy
now i will just ignore you the whole time
ummmm, okayyy
this is fun i guess
sorry, but i don’t know if i’m really
feeling it
good thing i keep agreeing to make plans
six
yeah, we try to be friends
i’m not sure how that’s going
to work
you needa just keep your
perverted comments to yourself
mhmm
that’d be appreciated
seven
YOU MAKE ME THE ANGRIEST OF ALL
wtf is your problem?
i love it when you pretty much decide
you want to start hanging out
then start talking to someone else
then ignore me for 3 months
then talk to me again
(yet with no mention of hanging out,
which is what i long to hear)
then stop
THEN text me when i’m at the
movies,
“your profile picture is beautiful”
JUST when i’d forgotten you
FOR GOOD
you come back aaaand…
ignore me again
eight
eres el mas hermoso (:
i’ve been hard on you lately,
i’ve been jealous of
what you’ve had lately
(which rightfully belongs
to me)
but i think i’m past it
and you really redeemed yourself
last friday
you really didn’t make the choice
but i’ve gained back my respect for you,
which you really didn’t even deserve
to lose
nine
you are completely irrelevant
to my day-to-day life
and that’s okay
you don’t affect me
but it’s still nice to think of you
and those really nice days
and maybe you weren’t as bad as
i thought
it’s just life
————————————————————
Cathy Robinson – there are about 90 people i don’t understand at all
soo…
add me to that list
WHY CAN’T I MANAGE TO
FEEL ANYTHING?
for the people i have a chance with, i mean??
how many people on that list would i like a chance with?
three.
#’s seven, eight, & nine
i can’t help how i feel
i think it’s someone else’s fault ):
actually two people’s
but only one of the three
i want to be like a normal person
who actually LIKES people
and doesn’t overanalyze
every
single
thing
Cathy Robinson – there are about 90 people i don’t understand at all, including myself.
