dear,

dear you,

today was painful, to see the least.

when i got to a+, you weren’t there.
you hadn’t signed in on the visitor’s sheet.
it was 10:23.
did you sleep in again?

but you were there for lunch at 11.
oh lala let me make in depth conversation with cheyanne
let us talk about everything and anything
you’re here?
like i’d notice.

standing at the bathroom with the endless line
of kids.
you herd one over towards me
and by then its painfully obvious that you are there
and exactly what i’m doing.
if you were anyone else
my eyes would not be downcast
cheeks burning

finally lunch ends.

its raining.
all the kindergarteners go in your class to watch
rainbow fish.
i sit on the floor with crying aurora
and she settles up close to me
i occupy myself with her.
you aren’t in there.
with every open of the door,
i quickly look up, then back.

i finally decide to just look at shoes.
that’s easier.
and on the first try it pays off
i see your socks and sandals entering
and quickly look away. again.

you don’t sit on the floor with kids
you make your way over to a chair.
pull out your phone.
text.

i nonchalantly pull out my phone
set it on the floor in front of me
in anticipation
anticipation that was in vain.

i steal a glance.
you sit, head in hands
in your chair.
trying to sleep?

time to go back to our classes,
although nap time is going to be cut short.
as always i sit at the teacher’s desk
read the notebook
12:33 passes.
you don’t text me.
you always text me at that time.
(although you probably haven’t realized it)

but you text me at 12:35.
it surprises me, honestly.
it’s just a “hey, how are you doing”
but its a start.
“fine.”
“that’s good”
“sure”

“so i think i made a mistake with you”
my heart leaps into my throat
pounding pounding
cautiously,
“what do you mean”
convey no emotion.

“i mean i can’t get you out of my head.
and seeing you today didn’t help”
(of course, i was trying to make you feel like hell.
guess it worked)

the notebook lays abandoned now.

“i can’t get you out of my head either.”
now, i’m a little embarrassed about that one.
but, indifference would most likely not change anything.
take a leap. go out on a limb.
say something that will count,
one way or another.

((at this point i begin frantically texting
kelsey and kendra.
they’ve been a part of this every step of the way.
i love them!
saying all the right things.
did you know that kelsey is at ott on
mondays, wednesdays, and fridays?
so you will be seeing a lot of her.
but did you know she is one of my best friends?
nope. maybe you will someday.))

“i’m sorry, i don’t know what
i’m going to do.
i really like you a lot
but on the other hand i still
really like my girlfriend.
idk what to do”

should i even be putting up with this?
now you have got to choose.
that’s not cool.
i should be running the other way.

but i’m not…

and you asked to hang out.
“won’t your girlfriend be mad?”

“no, she said its cool.”

kelsey: “i would be mad if ray asked me that!”

hmmm..

but then about 2 minutes before i am going to leave
you threw up. supposedly.
i guess i believe you.
if you feel what i’ve been feeling the past few days,
it’s probably understandable.

(however, i am glad that you are
feeling quite shitty after all of this)

you can’t be happy with her
because you’re thinking about me.

but, if you ‘choose’ me,
will you be unhappy
because you’re thinking about her?

well, i think you should at least
break up with her while you figure this all out.
your biggest mistake was
starting it back up with her the other night.
although you probably didn’t expect this much regret.

anyway, i’m feeling a lot better
a lot more hopeful

as kelsey said
“i can’t sit around and wait forever”
so
i hope you come to a conclusion fairly soon.

sincerely,
cathy

boy of confusion

(6/5)

hi, there’s now another someone else
(i think i can’t make up my mind)

but i think you can’t either!!

this was completely out of the blue
blossoming from
“you looked very beautiful today btw”
to
“you should text me”
to
“i’m not gonna lie i do like you”

wait. dont you have a girlfriend??

he said no.

oh.

anyway, i’ve seen him at A+ lately,
he is cute, but i never actually bothered with liking him
cause, it seemed pointless

but yesterday you became very confusing.
you barely texted me at all, but when you did
it was to tell me that you couldn’t do anything
on saturday
today you asked me to hang out tonight
and now you say you’re really pissed about some stuff
and don’t know if you’ll be up to it.
come onnnn…

and now i just asked you why it says on facebook that you still
have a girlfriend. that’s like dating a married man kinda??
lol not gonna go there.

———————————-

(6/8)

so. that night was great.
i really thought it was going somewhere.
i think you did too.

on saturday you even changed your facebook.

but on sunday morning you changed it back.
and i finally asked you why

“cause me and my girlfriend got back together.
i was getting ready to tell you.
sorry Cathy”

“i’m sorry, i didn’t think we would
but then we talked last night and well
now we’re together. i’m really sorry Cathy”

“i’m so sorry Cathy. i really do like you.
don’t think i didn’t cause i did and still do.
i never wanted to hurt you”

“i’m so so so so so sorry Cathy”

me: “good thing you weren’t on the rebound or anything”

“were you being sarcastic? cause that’s not cool.
i’m not trying to be an ass about this.
i said i was sorry, i never ever meant to hurt you”

———————————

gosh!!! there is NOBODY decent left!

except then someone who did
the exact same thing to me about 7 months ago
texts me…

“cathy?”

“yeah”

“i’m sorry for playing you on all those times”

a week ago, i would have been jumping for joy
but now i just feel… blank.

and just a few minutes ago someone who moderately
ripped out my heart last night texts me again.

“you still mad at me?”

“well once more i’m so sorry i hurt you.
i really do feel horrible i did this to you.
you didn’t deserve it”

“why are you sorry?
you did nothing wrong but be amazing!
i’m sorry i did this to you”

WELL! you seem awful sorry!
(its not too late to undo the damage)

why do things that we are going to be
SO sorry for??

ugh. i just thought you were different
you really have no clue how many times this
situation, exactly or a variation,
has happened to me

“but hey you never know
what will happen in the future”

yes i do. more people will screw me over.
oh you’re talking about what could happen
in the future with you?

well first of all, that sounds oh so optimistic
that you and your old girlfriend that you dumped me for,
will have a long and happy future together.
so why did you even go back if that’s your outlook?

second, i seem to have a good idea of what would happen
you’d lie to me again!
“why wouldn’t we work out?”
“don’t you have a girlfriend?”
“no…”
———–
“are you sure you’re not on the rebound or anything?”
“of course not, i don’t do that to girls!”
———–
“you have a girlfriend!”
“no i don’t we went over this. i don’t have one, not yet :)”
———–
lies!! what else can i expect from you?

well i bet A+ will be oodles of fun tomorrow.

its finally summer

i’ve given up on you, for one
i haven’t even thought about you that much lately!

but now there’s someone else…
although that’s probably pointless as well
because things have started there before
but never go anywhere!
and i was accidentally rude to you last night
well i was kidding but i don’t know if you were really mad
or not

so, with that out of the way.

my summer has been eventful.
technically, i’d say my summer started saturday, may 23.
day after finals.
that sunday, i went to topeka with my family.
monday, we went fishing. and saw night at the museum 2.
and watched jon & kate plus 8 (more on that later)
tuesday was school… but no one was there. mentally at least.
wednesday was the last day. kinda sad but kinda not, lol
thursday…well i can’t really remember doing anything at all.
friday i had laser tag with the soccer team,
and mini golf with someone i hadn’t talked to much lately
i realized that i miss that
saturday was the dentist, yuck
and a haircut. that i’m getting accustomed to.
sunday, my mom said if i didn’t get out of the house by 1:30,
she was putting me to work.
so me and zac D smith* played tennis at mill creek
with my little sister.

*last night someone asked me who that was. “boyfriend?”
“oh no no no…”

today was.. summer school.
at truman, that kinda sucks. oh well.
i’m not driving there, heck no that’s too much gas wasted.
i’m parking at chrisman and taking the bus from there.
and tomorrow i’m going to do A+ at ott until about 1 i think.

anyway… jon & kate plus 8 is on again tonight.
let me just say that last monday almost made me want to cry!
and let me admit that i’ve spent a lot of time online,
searching for new articles in the tabloids that may or may not be reliable.

some people say it’s a scam, that it’s just made up
some people say that it’s not as bad as it looks
some people say they are definitely headed for divorce, or
“oh, kate is such a bitch!” or
“oh, jon is such a lying conniving cheating ho!”
i say that whatever is going on, i wish them the best
and hope everything works out,
especially for the kids.

cause those kids are so freakin cute.
(except for mady sometimes, lol)

and right now i smell peanut butter
and i just turned around to tell carrie she isn’t supposed
to eat in here,
but she’s actually just eating peanut butter on a spoon
so what can i say about that?

yesterday i finished reading “about a boy”
for american lit & comp next year.
it was pretty interesting actually.
and it was in regular english, aka it wasn’t impossible to understand
at all.

i am on facebook at the moment and i just saw oreos on the side,
cause apparently i have 6 friends that are acclaimed fans.
lisa crawford
maryanne hamburg
jeremy mullen
james sooialo
jeff ulberg
christian waage
now i really want oreos, so thanks guys.
or i want those brownies in the cabinet.
well i guess i’d have to make them.

why are you texting me so much kelvin?
you have been so random lately!
and sorry for sending you a smiley face,
didn’t know i’d get freakin 20 questions about it lol

yawwwn i am so tired and my neck is stiff

that’s all for now.

frustration

so, it’s hard enough for me to decide if i like you,
if i’m ready to give you a chance,
ready for a relationship,
when i’m happy [enough, i suppose] being single,
because honestly, the thought of this all
scares me!

because i am scared of people’s flaws
and their imperfections,
and i’m scared of getting myself into something i can’t fully support

but when i see other people,
other people’s flaws and imperfections,
and flawed and imperfect people giving them a chance,
not only a chance but loving wholeheartedly,
i wonder what is so wrong with me
why i can’t find that in myself.

but maybe i just have had bad experiences in the past
and unfortunately i can’t see anything other than that
but yet i know it must exist because i see it all around me

and i know you’d do anything for me
and that also scares me
does that make sense?
i will be so sorry if i can’t do the same for you

it’s the little things:
getting me my papers so i don’t have to get up
writing back the little notes because you don’t have your phone
also the big things:
sneaking out to play in the rain
because i was there

but it’s awful that you HAVE to sneak out
you know?
everyone knows.

it makes things even harder for me
is it worth it to go through all this trouble
what can possibly come out of it
how will i even know?

i can’t!

the best day

i’m five years old it’s getting cold i’ve got my big coat on
i hear your laugh and look up smiling at you i run and run
past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides look now the sky is gold
i hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

i don’t know why all the trees change in the fall
i know you’re not scared of anything at all
don’t know if snow white’s house is near or far away
but i know i had the best day with you today

i’m thirteen now and don’t know how my friends could be so mean
i come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
and we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
and we talk and window shop till i forgot all their names

i don’t know who i’m gonna talk to now at school
but i know i’m laughing on the car ride home with you
don’t know how long it’s gonna take to feel ok
but i know i had the best day with you today

i have an excellent father
his strength is making me stronger
god smiles on my little brother
inside and out he’s better than i am

i grew up in a pretty house and i had space to run
and i had the best days with you

there is a video i found from back when i was three
you set up a paint set in the kitchen and you’re talking to me
it’s the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
daddy’s smart and you’re the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

now i know why all the trees change in the fall
i know you were on my side even when i was wrong
and i love you for giving me your eyes
staying back and watching me shine and i didn’t know if you knew
so i’m taking this chance to say that i had the best day with you today

number three

am i starting to like you??

i hope so!!

but you! you!
your mom!

you aren’t allowed to do ANYTHING

so even if things were to start working,

would it even be worth it?

Cathy Robinson – there are about 90 people i don’t understand at all

yes, the title of this IS my current facebook status.
and it’s also true!

boys boys boys. who understands them

one
you love love love drama, i’m pretty sure
otherwise you wouldn’t be acting so much like you have OVARIES
my bad, sorry you have personal issues
hope you get those worked out
until then
stay away from me

two
you can’t decide
what you want
“come to my house” you said
“things will be much better this time
we can handle it
we’re much more mature”

“i don’t want things to go back to
the way they were last year
that’s where we’re headed”
you say

huhh???? whatt???
what the eff.
fine. i guess you don’t wanna talk anymore ):

three
i don’t know what to say about you
you seem real and
completely fake
but not intentionally
i don’t think it’s your fault that
you’re not allowed to have a life

four
where did you even come from?
pretty sure things were done between us
so what’s up with the massages?
not that i’m complaining

five
let’s do something let’s do something
ummmm, okayyy
now i will just ignore you the whole time
ummmm, okayyy
this is fun i guess

sorry, but i don’t know if i’m really
feeling it
good thing i keep agreeing to make plans

six
yeah, we try to be friends
i’m not sure how that’s going
to work
you needa just keep your
perverted comments to yourself
mhmm
that’d be appreciated
seven
YOU MAKE ME THE ANGRIEST OF ALL
wtf is your problem?
i love it when you pretty much decide
you want to start hanging out
then start talking to someone else
then ignore me for 3 months
then talk to me again
(yet with no mention of hanging out,
which is what i long to hear)
then stop
THEN text me when i’m at the
movies,
“your profile picture is beautiful”
JUST when i’d forgotten you
FOR GOOD
you come back aaaand…
ignore me again

eight
eres el mas hermoso (:
i’ve been hard on you lately,
i’ve been jealous of
what you’ve had lately
(which rightfully belongs
to me)
but i think i’m past it
and you really redeemed yourself
last friday
you really didn’t make the choice
but i’ve gained back my respect for you,
which you really didn’t even deserve
to lose

nine
you are completely irrelevant
to my day-to-day life
and that’s okay
you don’t affect me
but it’s still nice to think of you
and those really nice days
and maybe you weren’t as bad as
i thought

it’s just life

————————————————————

Cathy Robinson – there are about 90 people i don’t understand at all

soo…
add me to that list

WHY CAN’T I MANAGE TO
FEEL ANYTHING?
for the people i have a chance with, i mean??

how many people on that list would i like a chance with?
three.
#’s seven, eight, & nine

i can’t help how i feel
i think it’s someone else’s fault ):

actually two people’s
but only one of the three

i want to be like a normal person
who actually LIKES people
and doesn’t overanalyze
every
single
thing

Cathy Robinson – there are about 90 people i don’t understand at all, including myself.

ouuuch!

things are okay GREAT right now.
last night, for a little while, not so much.

now, they are fine. which is the way they should be!!

—————————————————

so, this person ate lunch with us today, finally.
i’ve heard things from kendra and nick, but are they true?
in a way, i hope so. aww.
also, how embarrassing would that be!
but seeing the look on someone’s face; now that would be totally worth it.

but that’s actually really rude, that last sentence.
but still true!

anyway, time is running out, i kinda don’t want to wait anymore.

——————————————–

i have a debate tournament at springfield tomorrow!
hoooooorayyyyy!!!
i love some of those people.
especially taylor, ALIVEA, and maribel.
taylor is just… taylor!
maribel cracks me up sooo much
and alivea is the BEST debate partner ever, for real.
((we have so many inside jokes, like STAIRS and mushroom head))
and its a really unique friendship to have with someone. its like no other. : )

we are going to have so much fun and take so many pictures!

oh yeah… and maybe debate a little bit!

—————————————————–

OUUUCH.

so here’s the story.
for some reason, el autobus decided NOT to come pick us up after school??
is that legal?

anyway, then i was just standing there talking to morgan,
and we were discussing how we would get home
(this happens to be the only day of the week my mom works late)
and then i saw… dun dun dun duhhhhh… jeremy!
and i said “O HAY JEREMY can you give me a ride home”

and he said “ok”

so then we walked to his car which didn’t turn out to be his car cause he parked somewhere else and then we walked to his car which was indeed his actual real car.

and then i got in… and shut my middle three fingers in the door
at first i just looked at it for a few seconds.
then it kicked in that i should open the door.

the end.

its been a while

i almost forgot i have this!

anyway, things are okay, other than some things that i’d rather not deal with but unfortunately have to.
i will also go as far as to say all of these things involve a certain gender called the male species.
ughhhhhhhhhh.

one is obsessive
one won’t move on all of the sudden
one is okay and i thought they were okay but now i don’t know anymore?

is there such thing as life being easy? no.

can i have this dance

Take my hand, take a breath
Pull me close and take one step
Keep your eyes locked on mine,
And let the music be your guide.

Won’t you promise me (now won’t you promise me, that you’ll never forget)
We’ll keep dancing (to keep dancing) wherever we go next

It’s like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It’s one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

Take my hand, I’ll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don’t be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I’ll catch you through it all

And you can’t keep us apart (even a thousand miles, can’t keep us apart)
‘Cause my heart is (cause my heart is) wherever you are

It’s like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It’s one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

Oh no mountains too high enough, oceans too wide
‘Cause together or not, our dance won’t stop
Let it rain, let it pour
What we have is worth fighting for
You know I believe, that we were meant to be

It’s like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you (like you)
It’s one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do (way we do)
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

Can I have this dance
Can I have this dance

————————————————

high school musical was great!
made me kind of sad though.
troy and gabriella were so in love with eachother.

why can’t i find someone like that?